W A N A ' S BLOG

Have you heard a quote saying "We all broke one rule for someone and in the end they broke us". Back then, I didn’t fully grasp this quote. But now, it finally makes sense to me. It’s beginning to make sense in the most personal and painful way. I let my guard down, made exceptions, and held on tightly to the hope that he would be different, but he didn’t. I compromise everything only to end up hurt by him. And when he hurts me, it feels doubly painful because I saw it coming but hoped he'd be different. There was a part of me that knew better, yet I silenced it for the sake of love, or maybe just the idea of it. It's scary to trust people again, huh. 

I depend on him, but there is always a margin of error in that dependency. And when that error came, I broke down in tears, I cried, assuming I can relieve the pain of error by crying, but all I received was scolding. As if my pain was inconvenient. I thought him being patient with me on my bad days is one of the softest forms of love I could receive, but I guess I am wrong again, I would never receive that. That is probably the least and the last thing I should expect from him. 

There are moments when I think I want to disappear but actually all I really want is to be found. It’s just about silently wishing someone would truly see me. I want someone to notice that I’m breaking, that I’m not okay, and care enough to sit with me in the silence. But there is no one. The saddest thing is when I am feeling down, I am at my lowest point of life, I look around and realize that there is no shoulder for me to lean on. No safe space to fall apart.  

So, please ignore me, it's okay, it helps me lose feelings even faster. The more he shows me how I don’t matter to him, the easier it is for me to let go what I once held so tightly. If I’m still questioning things, still arguing, still expressing here and there, that means I care. But once I fall silent, that’s when I have finally let go. And when I’m silent, I’m done. 

Sorry, I assume I was important to you. That assumption only seem to leave me with empty hands and a heavy heart.

Lately, it feels like the spark between us is fading. The excitement, the butterflies, they are drifting away, leaving a quiet distance. I am not even sure if this emptiness is normal, or if I’m settling for someone who’s already halfway out the door. It seems like he has built a quiet wall I can’t climb, and I’m left standing on the other side, waiting for him. 

In every idea I come up with, there will be a reason for him to shut it down and refuse. It hurts me, really bad. I'm not doing this for praise or attention, it's just that I'm still putting effort into us. But when everything I try is dismissed or questioned, it starts to feel like my efforts don’t matter. It’s as if I’m the only one who’s excited or trying to keep the spark alive, while he’s no longer interested in being part of it.

I know he is busy. I understand his responsibilities and others. I don't want to make things harder for him. But hey, I am here too... Why pursue me if you are not ready to include me as one of your commitment? I just want to feel like I am still matter. Hence, I’ve been the one making the effort, keeping us connected when life gets overwhelming. I don’t want us to fall apart just because we’re both caught up in this corporate trap. But when that effort is met with silence, or dismissal, it starts to hurt. I keep telling myself he’s just tired, that he doesn’t mean to create the distance between us. But how long can I keep making excuses for someone who doesn’t want to meet me halfway? How long should i keep on lying to myself. 

If there's no more butterflies left, please make it clear to me. Maybe, I am the one who should slip away from everything, far from this world, leaving not even a piece myself behind.