W A N A ' S BLOG

 “jangan kacau saya”

It’s strange, isn’t it? It seems like I am no longer your comfort zone. Things are so different now. Back then, you were okay with having me around anytime. But, now I can only be there for you at certain times. Have I really become a burden to you? I’ve become a disruption, right? The “Ruang Selesa” poem; I wrote it to describe how we became each other’s safe space. Unfortunately, maybe to you, it was just a string of verses. Maybe it never truly meant anything or stirred any deep emotion.

"awak tak payah susahkan diri"

I have told you before, I enjoy doing everything for you. Doing things for you was never a chore, it was purely love. Not once did I feel burdened. I even begged you to let me do something for you. There was that one time, I rushed home early just so I could pick you up from the hospital. I was so full of joy because finally, I could do something. Everytime we went on a date, I cooked with all I had. Maybe you saw practicality, but I felt intimacy. You thought it was just to save money, but for me, It wasn’t just food, it was me, offering a piece of myself, it’s my love language. I didn’t want you to carry the weight alone, driving far just to see me, I wanted to do my part too. Let me try in every little way, to meet you halfway. But, why is it now you feel like all of that was a burden to me? When did my love become too much? I never saw it that way. Not once did I ever feel burdened. Even in our hardest moments, when sadness wrapped itself around us, I never thought of you as a burden. 

The only thing I ever asked from you was to understand me, to accept me. Just as it was, without doubt. I was not trying to outdo you. “Let me meet you halfway. Let me carry some of the weight.” Now I find myself wondering, was it ever enough for you? Or was I just easier to love when I asked for nothing?

They asked for time and space; so here it is. I'm stepping back, I’m giving exactly what they requested. But let it be known: when this is all over, I won’t be the same version of myself anymore.

Now, I feel empty, plain, or numb, maybe? I’m not even sure how to process this anymore. There’s no anger, no bitterness, just a quiet ache that sits with me like a shadow. But one thing I do know; the love is slowly fading. 

Maybe this silence is my chance to rebuild - not for them, but for me. To find peace in my own presence. To become whole again without waiting for someone else to fill in the missing pieces. And to start leaving them for real. I've started to see that walking away isn’t always a weakness. Sometimes, letting go is what opens the door to becoming who you are without the noise of someone else’s silence.

So, I’ll let them remain in their silence and give them the space they asked for. If my presence was such a burden, then it’s best for me to walk away. I’m done waiting; for anyone, for anything. This is our final goodbye. There’s nothing more to hold onto.