.jpeg)
These days, my mind is fully occupied with few thoughts. Whenever I scroll my social media, there must be several updates of my mutuals receiving gift, flowers or affirmation words. As someone who don't really get this from others, I am truly happy for them, because for me, half of my desire for that is fulfilled by watching others’. But, that is just half of it. What about another half?
When half is fulfilled, surely the other half is still longing for it. I thought buying gift and flowers for myself can heal that or affirming myself with my own words would be enough. Pampering myself should be the notion of self-love and self-care. And I want to prioritise and love myself, since there is no one doing that for me. At least, I can discard all my insecurity and build a strong foundation of confidence for my innerself. Unfortunately, that only remain as my thought, when I go deeper, I still longing for receiving gift or flowers from others.
I tried to trace the root of this, either this is because of my unfulfilled childhood or past relationship/ friendship causes this to happen. I would definitely pick the later. I was pampered a lot in my past relationship/ friendship. I was taught about the act of giving and receving as something that appreciate our bonding. Sometimes I did not even realise I was having a bad day until I receive a bouquet of flowers that boost my mood and happiness. Sometimes, I did not notice my emotion was overwhelming until we get to spend time together and that act only can already calm down my emotion. In the end, I still prefer receiving these from someone as a signification of him appreciating me or as a gesture of love.
And I am wondering if I am demanding too much? Am I being too clingy? I know for somes, 'being clingy' is just a matter of opinion. There is no right or wrong in being clingy, nevertheless it applies only if the relationship remains healthy, right? I'm afraid if I end up being the one causing unhealthy situation. Eventhough my clingyness is not to the extent of not having self-resilience or sense of independence, but having to continuously reaffirm me can cause frustration and resentment for him/ them. I don't want to end up being toxic. Hence, I am trying to depend and do everything by my ownself. Buying my own flowers, shopping my own gifts or affirming my own emotion.
Maybe that is not how relationship works. But if it is the only way, then it is.
